Monday.

How is it possible that the first day of the new week can be so slow and that I feel so tired. I have really tried to stay up today and kept on going with studies and other assignments. I have not even been out doors. And that is crazy. Well, I just picked up the mail. I walk and feel like a half zombie in some way. But this will pass to and I am glad that there is a reason for this slow and tired feeling. I woke up really early and have been up since then.

I found this cute picture of Winnie the Pooh and Piglet and I have shared it on Facebook, but I thought that could do so here too. So enjoy.

Soon my dad will phone me and tell the latest news about mum and all the happenings over there. It has been a lot and mum have been sick - probably flu and my dad is stressed and this comes out as pains and tiredness. I try to tell him to take it easy. Sometimes it is like talking to a wall.

Have a marvelous new week and take care.

Hugs, Niina

2012!

So, now it is here. The new year 2012. We celebrated just calmly with good food and watching the fireworks. And the new year we started by watching some programs about the year 2012 and Nostradamus and other prophets. It was interesting.  Mostly thoughtful was the questions about what would happen the next day or the next year, if this would be the last year - ever. Well, who knows. If it is the end, it is the end.

Most of these programs we watched pointed out that the 21st December 2012, will be the last day. It is the most important date, that most of us are looking forward to, with feeling of excitement, anxiety and even keen interest. As we know, there have been a lot of debate about this. And we all make our own speculations on these mysterious news. The Mayan calendar started this debate, but we do not know if it is the end or a new beginning of something else. Why must it be the end?

How it may be, we need to know that we can never speculate or justify this, unless we are fully updated about the Mayans and their culture and what they believe. News and others just speed things up, based on human fear. And what does the Bible say?

No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.

It is...

...late and I am sitting here on my childhood bed. I have been at my parent's place since some days and tomorrow is my last day here. I wanted to visit my parents to see how they are doing. Especially mum after her rough month. She has been rather good. She is not herself yet and I think that she will never be, but I have seen some small amounts of her old self. She has a long way to come back after the stroke and we just hope that she can one day stand on her two feet, because that would give her some freedom. Otherwise she is rather ok, as I wrote. She talks a little, eats really good and tries to do something new every day.

Christmas was calm - well, as calm as it can be with my last big moments in my studies to do and us being sick with the flu. But we made the best of it and it was nice. No snow, but nice. New Year will be calm too. I need to relax, so I get rid of the flu and have energy to start my studies again after the little break I have had during this week.

It has been a very stormy day over here in Gothenburg. Mostly the wind blowed as hard as 26 m/s or as in some places nearby, around 30 m/s. We had a class 2 warning over here. Class 3 is the highest. Tomorrow I hope it will be a sunny and lovely day when I take the train back home. I have heard that there is an class 2 warning there where I live, because of the cold weather and slippery roads. Hope that all goes well. The rest of the family are visiting my mother-in-law and will travel back home too. 

Well, better sleep now. Happy 2012!

Feeling like an old towel.

The last week has been different. We all have been sick - fever, sore throat, sneezing, eye infection, coughing and other not so fun things. And now I have started to feel that my body aches. Shoulders, back, arms...flu, thank you. But even this will pass. Someday. If it does not go around another time, it usually does. I have not had any energy to clean, prepare for Christmas, bake or cook. I just hope that I will get some energy soon.

In my studies I got some energy yesterday. I got my results for the last part of the course, 15 points in peace and conflict. I got something that is called VG - Väl Godkänd in Swedish. It is an A!! I am so happy and it feels great! Even if I am a little bit surprised, but that feeling left me fast! So, this A gave me energy and I could do some more studies. 

We got some snow last night and today. It looks so nice and white. I wish for some cold weather too, that the snow would stay. Now it is rather wet and slippery. But it is snow!

Have a nice new week and take care.

Hugs, Niina

A rough and tough week...

Sitting here in front of my MacBook and wondering about the week that have passed. I feel that the cold I had a while ago is slowly coming back. I feel tired and "hängig" as we say it in swedish, meaning out of sorts. It has been tough week lately and that is why it was so nice today, this 1st Advent to enjoy a lovely time at the church and after that watch the dance show where our oldest daughter is one of the dancers. She told us several times that she is no good and misses some steps here and there. I do not know why she said that, because she did not miss a step. Maybe she just wanted us to lower our expectations? Her group was really lovely and danced great! She wants to dance next year too. And so does the youngest one too. It will be her first year then.

Last week and some of this week I visited my parents. I wanted to help my dad with some things and errands. And then I wanted to visit mum. It was a little bit scary the first time, but she was doing better than expected. She was tired, had problems to talk and eat, but she could smile and hold hands and listen. And with some stubbornness even say some words. But on Saturday something changed and when we came to visit her at the retirement home, it was too much activity around her. Nurses, helpers and an ambulance on the way. They told us that little mum had not eaten, had trouble to breath and did not react on touch. So, from the retirement home is was straight to the hospital. Mum in an ambulance and we in a car after. It was a strange feeling and very stressful to us, but mostly to mum. At the hospital they took tests and the doctor talked to us about mum and her sickness. She said that it was her heart and lungs. If this happens again and something goes wrong, she said, we would like to have an OK from you, that we will not help her back to life. I heard myself translate this to dad and heard him and me say yes and then I heard the doctor say that it is better for her. Inside I screamed NO, NO, NO. Who am I, my dad and the doctor to take such a decision? The doctor went and it was silent in the room. In my head, my soul I just could hear the doctors words "it is better for her, it is better this way"... It hurt, it was sad, it was unreal.

Mum had some problems with her heart, lungs and the other health issues made her so sick. We watched her the whole time, especially her breathing. Every time she stopped, even we did so. I have never been so afraid. 

Now my mother are at a new retirement home. She got a lot of help at the hospital and even if she is not well, she is not in a bad condition either. It could be better, but after the stroke we need to take one day at a time. She needs a lot of help and dad does not have the energy, so now we are waiting for a her own room at a retirement home. Dad can visit, take her out and even home for a while. This is not what we thought it would be. We do not want to have her at a retirement home, but...well, we hope for the best.

And with some prayers...

Have a blessed new week and take care!

Hugs, Niina

Esther - Some new photos.

It has been a while, since I posted some photos of Esther, my ball jointed doll from Dollmore. So here comes some, that I took during the summer. I use my iPhone and some apps for fun. Have a marvelous day. Hugs, Niina

As a woman...

I can be pretty tough on myself. And I think that even other women feel that they can be pretty tough on themselves. We nurture others, but we neglect our own needs and desires. We really pour into others, but never quite pursue fully the dreams and talents and...and we offer forgiveness to others, but hold tightly to self-condemnation.

I can really feel like that, right now, right here. I am tough on myself and really push it sometimes too hard. Others tell me to take it easy, rest and just let someone take care of things needed to take care off. You (me, myself and I) do not have to do all things. Since my mother ended up at the hospital I have been trying to study, help dad, help mother-in-law, cook, clean, study some more, shop for groceries and help some more again. I feel that my shoulders are becoming my new ear-rings and it would be so nice with a massage on the neck, shoulders and upper back.

Mum is at a retirement home, for two weeks, during they plan what will happen to her. Dad is nervous, because he sees that he can not take care of her as he has done before. I will travel back home for some days soon, to help, talk and be with them when they plan. I do not like it, non of us likes it – but we think it is time to place her at retirement home, for good. It hurts and feels wrong, but there is a purpose for these homes, is it not so? Mum does not recognize dad when he visit her daily.

It is tough to accept this situation and even to understand how we ended up here. How can it be that my mother – the bright and full with life – suddenly are not far away from the opposite? Dad asked me that yesterday. He could not understand how it became like this. And neither do I.

I just hope that mum is doing well, in her own new world. And I hope that she can express herself if she needs something. I am afraid of meeting her. What will I meet? Does she know me? Will she look small and ”away”?

Have a blessed weekend. Hugs, Niina

Some news

My dad phoned me earlier this evening and he had been at the hospital, visiting mum. She was not in any good shape and it has turned in to worse the latest days. Some days ago she was more happy and had even energy to talk. But this time she did not say anything. Just stared at the roof. Did not react on the things dad said and the nurses said that they tried to get her up from the bed and walk, but it did not go so well. What happened, he does not know, but mum had difficulties to breath. Dad is a little nervous about her coming home and that he will not have the energy enough to do the things needed. There will be a meeting and a talk about this, a new plan will be made for her homecoming. But when, we do not know.

Otherwise the week has been filled with studies. This week I read a book called "In God's Name, Genocide and Religion in the 20th Century". It is interesting, but even hard to read about. In some weeks there will be exams, I think. I have not heard any about this, but I think so. This week I will write an essay, around 700-1000 words.

Well, now I am 40 years old. We celebrated it with a dinner at a restaurant, cards, presents and love. It was nice to just be with the ones I love. And the next day we had some thunder and lightning over here. I was so surprised because it had not been so warm during the day.

But the Fall is here. It is darker, the days are shorter and I feel that there is a lot to do. So better keep on studying. 

Have a great new week and take care.

Hugs, Niina

Mother at the hospital

This day could have started better. I got a phone call from my father and I could hear in his voice that something was wrong. He sounded nervous and did not really know how to put the things he wanted to say into words. But he finally said that mother is acting strange. He can not get any contact with her and she does not react on things he says, does, shows or even to touch. She just is. It is just like she does not see or hear me. And that was scary, he said. I could not understand what had happened and he told me that help was on the way. He has been at the hospital with her and promised to phone me when he know some more.

At the same time I have been following the news about an old lady from Ukraine. She is living here in Sweden with her family – children and grandchildren. Her husband died some years ago and since then she has developed dementia. Her names is Ganna and she is 91-years old. Her doctor says that she is no condition to travel to Ukraine, even if the Swedish Migration Board wants to send her back and not let her stay here in Sweden. She has no family in Ukraine. No one here really understand how they can be so cold hearted at the Swedish Migration Board and not read the doctor's letter that says that she could risk her life if she would be sent back to Ukraine. A flight for some hours would be a shock for her and her weak heart. I know this too, because my mother can not take a smaller trip or we can not visit her as a family because all these things make her nervous and she does not know what is happening.

People started to react and act and after some hours her deportation was stopped and the Swedish Migration Board will look into her case again. I just hope that this time it will be a more happier result. 

Hope that you had a better day. Hugs, Niina

That was that.

This week is soon over and a new one is here tomorrow. This week has been...well...just been filled up with things. Thoughts. Happenings. Mostly studies. I am studying Master Programme in Religion in Peace and Conflict and these weeks have been interesting. I have been reading three books about social movements, Gandhi and Robert Coles book about the Call of Service, a pulitzer price winner! Then We have been asking questions to our class-mates and writing letters to activists. Every week we have a book to read and tasks to do.

Then I have been thinking a lot about my mother with her dementia. It has been hard years lately and even if she has had her dementia since 2002 it has been years filled with hope, tears, stress, wishes, anxiety and more hope. Not until 2007 the doctors found out that something is wrong. And before that I have been talking to many doctors, who do not listen. The worst kind is the ones who laugh. Right in my face and just say that there is nothing wrong, she is just old. Well. She is born 1930 but has always been active and smart. I can see the change - I am her daughter. And another thing that is bad, is the rest of the family and relatives. They do not phone, visit or send letters. They have slowly turned their backs. I can understand that this is an easier way to go instead of helping. It is not fun to visit either because she does not know who you are. But do it for my dad, who day after day takes care of her. 

I visited my diabetes doctor some days ago and all was well, but it could be better. I am going to do my best to get better sugar levels and start to move. The surgery I had a year ago made me tired and all the things going on around me made me not want to do anything. But now! I will have a smaller check up in December to see how I am doing. I have lower sugar levels already after just a little change. Eating less.

But this made me get a bad headache the following day. It hurt during the whole day. I never have head ache, so it felt strange. And I just needed to be in a dark and quit room. But that day I had to do some shopping, bake, study....it was tough. And in the evening I fell asleep fast. 

I hope that this coming week will be calmer.

Have a blessed new week.

Hugs, Niina

Sometimes...

...I wonder why things happen. Is there a bigger reason that some things happen when they happen? Or is it just life? Or destiny? I do not know what the outcome is, but at the same time I am feeling that something is happening. A change of some kind. For good? For bad? Who knows. But one thing is for sure. I am ready. At first I felt a little bit worried, but now I feel ok. Change is good...

There will not be a a group for the candidates for confirmation on wednesdays. Even if we sent out a message for the ones that did not come the first week, no one came this week. Well, one boy. I said to him that he can join the Tuesday group, but he did not want that. Then I came up with an idea. Why not have a group with candidates for confirmation during some summer weeks? 1-2-3 weeks and then the confirmation, instead of during a longer time at the Autumn and Spring. The priest thought that it was a great idea and so did the boy. So, this is our new goal. 

But still. Why do things like this happen? This changes a lot for me when it comes to the plans we had at work for the trips, camps and confirmation. Or am I just chopping and mincing things up with my thoughts?

Worth thinking about.

Have a blessed week.

Hugs, Niina

Studies, work and life

Sometimes I wonder why things happen. If there is a reason that I should understand or if it is only life, my destiny that turn things to the way they are right now. I have a great life, I think. A family, a roof over my head, food on my table, my studies and work. It is an ordinary life in an ordinary town somewhere in an ordinary land. 

My studies started some weeks ago and still it is going rather well. I have done the first assignment and are working now on the second one. I like it and it is interesting. The family-life is going well. I am healthy and so are the rest of the family. We spend a lot of time together - eat, talk, walk, play. 

My first day at work started yesterday. It was the first day with a new group of young people who want to join the confirmation. I met the priest, my tutor and we prepared for the evening with information and we said that this group may have 10-15 youngsters who want to know more about the church and God. When it was time, only two had arrived. Two. Last year it was around 40. A difference with 38. That is a lot. I asked the priest how many the other group have and he said 19, mostly girls. 

It did not add up and I did not really understand. We have always had two groups. One with aesthetical group and one ordinary group. Some years ago we had two ordinary groups and we still had around 35 candidates for confirmation. So, two...? We asked them if they wanted to join the other group and they said no, they want to go this group. I said that lets meet one more time, next week around the same time and send out some letters to the kids and see what happens.

And what will happen if there will not be more than 2 in this group? I really do not know. I have really no task in the other group and even if the priest is responsible for the both groups, he felt the same. We talked and wondered about if a change is on the way or if it was the weather (thunder storm) that made that just two came.

We will see next week. Until then life continues...

Have a nice day. Hugs, Niina